Friday, December 04, 2009


Friday, December 4th 2009

Welcome To The Jersey Shore (And The Greatest Show On Earth)

What is there to say about last night's 2-hour premiere of Jersey Shore on MTV? I was tempted to just post a picture of the orange puss that oozed out of my eye holes after watching this, because that pretty much sums it up. Seriously, Vinnie was right. Pink eye is THAT contagious.
It was like every season of Rock of Love rolled into two hours. I mean, there was barf (TWICE), a pierced peen, bottomless hot tubbing, skanks galore, a punch to the face, a game of Ring Around the Rosie, a cameo by The Bible, more booze than even The Hoff can handle, a million different kinds of SITUATIONS, snatch snatching, t-shirts with Geckos on them and A DUCK PHONE!
The truth is, I never knew that I have so much in common with Guidos and Guidoettes. It was almost like looking at my home movies or going to one of my family reunions. Here's the top 5 reasons on why Guidos and Guidoettes are just like US!
1: We both use trash bags as luggage: When Angelina strolled into the house with garbage bags as luggage, Vinnie shot his nose up at her because she didn't have a suitcase. But why waste weed money on something stupid like a suitcase when you can just go down to the McDonald's, and fish out a clean garbage bag from the bottom of a trash bin? Free luggage! My people have been doing this for years!
2: We both use ham and water as a substitute for sex : JWOWW (the extra "w" stands for welfare vagina) didn't want to keep cheating on her boyfriend by fucking on Pauly D at the club, so she went home to cool her coochie with some ham and water.
Whenever my Craigslist date doesn't show up, I simply whip out the silicone sausage and lube. That's kind of like ham and water. However, I wish JWOWW would've clarified exactly how ham and water is a substitute for sex. I'm sure she'll demonstrate that next year when she works the donkey show circuit in Tijuana.
3. We both wear satin thongs in the hot tub: When Snooki Snickers, the dingle of my berry, stripped down to her thong and panties to get into the hot tub, Angelina (yeah, the one with the luggage set made by HEFTY) said, "Wear a thong bikini. That's a little bit classier."
I don't think Angelina realized that Snooki's thong was made out of satin. That makes it more than classy. Whenever I hit the public pool, I make sure to keep it elegant by wearing a satin thong. Cotton is for trash.
4. We both respond to the word "whore": While Snooki Snickers was lying in her bed, Angelina was in the other room yelling about the whores the Guidos brought back to the house. Snooki got upset, because she assumed Angelina was talking about her.
This one goes without saying, but I don't even respond to the name "Michael" anymore.
5. We both have this top:

Okay, I'm lying about this one. Unfortunately, I don't have the grace, poise, or chesticles to pull off such a sophisticated look. Sigh.
And if you haven't seen Jersey Shore you really must. Just make sure you get an okay from your doctor first and immediately soak your eyes in a bowl of crushed Valtrex pills afterwards.